​Dear Ghost: 4

Dear Ghost, 

Your touch of cold misery 
still lingers

in my deepest memory. 

Your bitter laughter

still echoes

when all I could think of is peace. 

Though I try to run

far far away

where I wouldn’t see 

your footsteps; 

Far ahead of you, 

so I wouldn’t be trapped

in your shadow; 

so your darkness

would leave me alone–

You somehow get your way

back into my safe zone

stepping inside

that border

I drew 

with my faintest will

to keep you away; 

You somehow

find a way

to creep into the night

and invade my dreams

and turn it into nightmares; 

You still find a way

to make me feel




and unwanted. 

I smile 

and writhe in pain

all at the same time. 

But I shall run still

and build that wall

once again. 

A wall

You can’t break through; 

a wall

that shall crush you

the moment you dare

to even stare at it. 

A wall that 

shall keep me safe

from false hope

and deceitful smiles. 

I’d stay 

behind that wall

where I shall be free

from your toxic words. 

From this moment

to the eternal emptiness to come, 

I shall keep my self free

From your plausible trickery. 


Dear you,

It’s not the rain that you hate
But the memories that come crashing down
When the little drops meet the ground.
Those days you couldn’t replay,
Like a photo you could look back to,
But could never live on anymore.
The thought of a place you couldn’t be in,
As the tiny crystals shine in delight through your window pane.
It’s the song you used to sing,
But now you hate to hear
As the raindrops fall to the roof,
With the perfect melody
That hums as your heart beats.

It’s not the rain you hate,
But the emptiness you feel,
For things you could’ve
or could’ve not done.
It’s not the rain you hate.
You love the sound it creates,
Like a lullaby on sleepless nights.
You love how it make its way down
On your glass window
As you trace them with your fingertips.
You love how each drop feels
Against your skin
Against your palm,
Against your face
Welcoming every tear.
It’s not the rain you hate,
But the things
that made you think you hate it.
So dear,
See how beautiful the rain is.
It does remind you of pain,
But mirth always comes with it.

With a drop of my own rain,

The Girl Who Moved On

I deleted his number then I changed mine.

I deactivated all my social media accounts.

I never ask our common friends about his whereabouts anymore.

I didn’t dare to look back. I dared to take a step forward instead.

I don’t even care whenever someone mentions his name because it became foreign to my ears.

I didn’t return the things he gave me — I burned them. All the letters, cards, stuff toys, even the petals of all the flowers he gave me which I carefully kept in a bottle. I got rid of them all.

I laugh with my friends like the way I usually do, while exchanging funny stories and jokes with them.

My world revolved like the way it normally did.

And I liked it better.

Because all I have to care about now is my own life, my career, my family, and my friends.

No complications, no pain, no heartbreaks but only good and bad days.

I woke up at 6 am.

I stood in front of my mirror.

I smiled and greeted the girl looking back at me a good morning.

Then I proceeded with my morning rituals, cooked bacon and eggs and made my coffee. I ate not in haste, but in a slow, careful manner. I wanted to enjoy my first breakfast alone after a long time. It’s the first day of me being alone since I already moved out from our home to rent an apartment nearer to my workplace. I  turned the  radio on and sang like I’m some sort of a rockstar.

It felt free. It felt fresh. It felt me.

I took a bath while dancing as the water from the shower meet my bathroom tiles and produced the beat I needed.

I chose a denim pencil skirt and white tank top to wear for this day.

A little bit of lipgloss and fresh powder, with my mascara on and tada! I’m off to go.

At work, I did all my tasks as fast and efficient as possible. I was practically smiling the whole day. I was humming a happy tune while encoding some documents my boss gave me. My workmates see me as a bubbly girl and I let them think of me that way.

I had such a perfect day.

I bid my workmates goodbye and hailed a taxi when I realized no one’s gonna pick me up anymore.

I looked outside the car window and enjoyed the view outside until my smile vanished at the sight of that place.

I got out of the car, paid my bill, and slowly walked towards that familiar place. My feet were heavy, and I could hear every footsteps I did.

The familiar scent of freshwater reached my senses as the river flowed below this bridge.

I felt the cold railings beneath my hands as a small smile crossed my lips. The evening air caressed my cheeks like it’s some sort of unspoken words of welcome.

A girl about my age suddenly stood beside me and held onto the railings like the way I did.

The only difference was that she’s crying hard, with smeared lipstick and mascara. She was mumbling words I could hardly understand. I looked away when she caught me staring. It was so rude of me, I know. So I turned away and started to walk away.

“Hey, are you going to jump off from this bridge?” Someone asked from behind.

Just to make sure he’s not referring to me, I turned my head to his direction.

He was talking to the girl I saw.

“So? Who cares if I do?” She asked, anger evident in her voice.

He looked lost at her question.

“Well, I don’t know one. Why don’t you try to jump so we could find out?” The boy shrugged.

The girl burst out laughing while the boy stayed at his ground, confused with her reaction.

“That’s the funniest line I’ve heard for today!” she laughed again, while wiping her tears.

My eyes were suddenly filled with tears until the two people in front of me became blurry. Their voices distant, until I could hear nothing but my own cries. It was me when I first met him. Here I am, pretending that everything’s just fine. Yet one look at this place brought all the memories back. Our first encounter. First date. First hug. First kiss. And my first heartbreak. All of them came back as if they’re too fresh to forget. He taught me how to live when I wanted to end my life. But then he became the reason I am dead inside now.

It’s been six months. Six months of pretense. Six months of empty feeling. Six months without him.

When he told me he didn’t love me anymore like he used to, I didn’t cry. I didn’t want him to know I was dying inside. I iust nodded and turned away. He didn’t even ran after me. He just let me go.

They say that time heals, but I guess not all things heal no matter how long it had passed. Sometimes, you just learn how to be familiar with the pain. You learn to fake every smile to let the world know that you’re okay. That you don’t need anyone to make you smile, or to check on you when you’re too engrossed with your job that you forget to eat or sleep, or somebody to walk you home when it’s late.

I guess some things aren’t supposed to be forgotten. And some feelings just won’t go. They would haunt the shit out of you. And I know I won’t be fine anymore. But somehow I can be okay. I hope.

To The Broken Ones

If you are broken, go and fix yourself. Do not wait for someone to pick up the tiny pieces of your fucked up life. Because once they are able to gather up every single piece of your being into its right place, they become a part of your repaired self. And when they finally decide to leave you, they will take that part with them, even without them knowing it. And the once indestructible shield they built for you becomes fragile.

You then start to fall into the tiniest pieces of emptiness and grief. You are left there on the ground to be blown away by the harsh wind.

So fix yourself. Take all the time you need. It doesn’t matter how long it would take before you can save yourself. It might be a long, tiring process, but it will all be worth it. You will be carefree and brave enough to face any possibilies, for whatever happens, you know that you have yourself to help you get up when you stumble. You will be your own hero.You will be your own strength.

So fix yourself, because no one can really save anybody else from their own inner issues. No one knows you better than you do. No one can ever fix you but yourself. Yes, no one but YOU.


And so I walk with my bare feet;
Only to efface the numbness in it.
and feel the cold railings which lingers;
beneath my fragile fingers.

I look into you,
With my eyes shouting every woe;
Deafening silence blankets the night,
And a query comes out, “would you make things right?”

If I fall into you,
Would cold sweat start streaming down my cheeks?
Would my heart stubbornly beat against my chest?
Would my hand quiver,
like a flower dancing in a tempest?

If I fall into you,
Would the cool breeze caress my face,
As the sunshine streaks unto my skin?
Would I hear the gentle swaying of the leaves,
Through the harsh blowing of the wind?

If I fall into you,
Would you promise me serenity?
That though the long wait for me to fall,
Caused you troubled anticipation,
It wouldn’t matter at all?

If I fall into you,
And my suffering ends,
Would I stop feeling this inscrutable fear?
Would this unending feeling of emptiness,
Finally come to a stop right here?

If I fall into you,
Would I find that haven I longed for?
Would I finally find a place for my repose;
Would my lost soul be finally home?

If I fall into you,
And you’d catch me with no doubt,
Would you let me gaze at the moon and the stars,
And let it lit up my eyes?

Let it be the last thing I’d see.
Let it witness my fall, my imaginary sea.
And I’d gladly leap off this tower,
And dive myself into;
I’d gladly swim through the rough breeze,
And finally fall into you.

My Darkest Valentine

My news feed is bursting with valentine craps. From people who seem trapped in love every freaking day to people who hate it more that others have found their halves than not having a high-paying job. I passed through pictures of couples greeting each other online. Why can’t they do it personally, eh? They’re just gonna break up, sooner or later — that’s all I’m sure of.  It happened to my parents, to my friends, to those I know, even those I don’t know, and I’m sure it would happen to them, too. Why do people put themselves in a situation that would only hurt them in the end? Oh, if only I have the ability to break them apart as early as I can, I could have saved them from greater pain. But then, I’m just ordinary, and I can’t even socialize well. I just scroll it down, trying to find something more interesting — for me, at least.

I got nothing to do. I’m jobless for the time being, and I’m just too fond of my current situation to find a new job. Maybe next week, yeah. All I want to do is lay down on my bed until I feel too lazy to sleep that I’d be forced to get up. Oh geez. What a life to have on a February. But then what’s the difference between February and any other month? They’re just the same, they all would pass and repeat.

I absentmindedly scrolled until this particular post from a certain Icarus caught my attention. It read,

“To you, who wants a dark valentine. Comment down and you’re up for a ride you’d never forget.”

I was like, what the heck? I laughed,  not because it’s funny, but because it’s just so weird. And who would want a dark valentine and ruin their fantasy of flowers and chocolates on that day? And since I’m one of the weirdest persons on earth (as what my  classmates/schoolmates during highschool and college address me. They believe I’m some kind of a witch.), I commented, “Yeah sure, what kind of ride is that? ”

The next thing I knew, I was traveling, and it’s not the ordinary travel anyone could get.  I was traveling in another dimension. Wait, am I time-traveling? I wasn’t sure. Well not before someone spoke.

“You can say that this is a time-travel, yeah.”

I turned to where the voice came from. I saw a man, er, how would I describe him? He’s good-looking. That’s all I can say. He was walking with his hands in his pocket. Wew. Looks like a scene from a movie, I thought.

When he was closer, I noticed his neck-level curly hair. Why does he have a more gorgeous hair than I do? His hair has blonde highlights,  but generally he has a coppery hair. I have a dull black hair.  He has fair skin, which instinctively caused me to glance to my arms. Oh, I’m kinda insecure. He’s much taller, yes, because I’m just five feet in height. I think this guy is a six-footer, more or less. He isn’t chubby, not slim, and not too masculine. He was wearing a simple white shirt and denim pants. My eyes landed on his face. He suddenly smiled and I think I just saw Jon Snow in him. With a different hair color. Wow.

“Looks like you’re enjoying the view, eh? He grinned.

“Oh ye – NO!” What was I saying?

He just tilted his head, and whispered something I wasn’t able to catch.

My eyebrows crossed. What did he say?

“It’s something I never intend to let you hear, Aziah.” Then he grinned.

A shuddering fear crept down my spine.

“How do you know my name?”

“Oh, I know a lot of things.” Still with his hands on his pocket, he added, “I even know what you’re thinking right now. You’re afraid of me.” His eyes turned pitch black intensely gazing at me, scrutinizing my soul, I guess.

“Well I can only read your thoughts,  not look into your soul.”

And he can read minds!

“Yes I can.” He nodded in agreement.

My heart started to race like hell. What did I get myself into?

“Don’t get too nervous yet, this ride hasn’t even started.”

“What do you mean ‘this ride’? I don’t get it,” I managed to ask.

He slowly reached for my hand and intertwined our fingers. I think my heart just skipped a beat. What the hell. He laughed. Oh, sh*t, I forgot, he can read my mind. How can I even stop talking inside my head? It’s my only talent. Geez. When his laughter subsided, he squeezed my hand for a second, to get my attention I guess.

“Don’t you remember? You asked for this. You wanted a dark valentine. I’m giving it to you. You can’t back out now.” He returned to being serious.

Our surrounding suddenly disheveled, forming another place. I gaped with what I saw. This is our house!

“Why are we here?” I turned to him.

“Don’t you miss your home?” He smiled.

“This isn’t my home. It’s hasn’t been since God knows when.” I frowned. Bad memories.

“Well why don’t we come in and find out why we are here?”
He took my hand and brought me inside the house. I saw my mom happily humming a song in the kitchen. She was preparing dinner. Right, I remember this. A little girl rushed to her and hugged her from her back. I covered my mouth with my hands. I can’t cry.

“Mommy, what’s for dinner?” The little girl asked.

“You’ll see, later baby Aziah. Now go call your dad upstairs. Tell him dinner is ready in five minutes. Okay?” She smiled sweetly. How I missed that.

The little girl who used to be me rushed upstairs shouting ‘daddy’ on her way up. Someone knocked on the door so my mom walked from the kitchen to our sala. I followed her, dragging this man holding my hand.

“I’m not just a ‘man’ Aziah. I have a name. It’s Icarus.” He said, dryly.

“Yeah, yeah, who cares what your name is.” I countered.

Suddenly I can’t take a step forward so I faced him.

“If you don’t like to walk, you better get your hands off me, you know,” I said, irritated.

Impatiently, I tried to grab my hands, but he wouldn’t let go. He just frowned.


“You just hit a spot in my ego.” He said, pointing a finger to his chest. I just rolled my eyes. In movies or books, it seemed cute, but now that I see it, it’s not. It’s disgusting as hell.

“Okay I quit. Just stop with the ‘disgusting as hell’ in your head.” He let go of my hand.

I rushed to the sala and found my mom talking to a guy, maybe a delivery boy. I walked closer, trying figure out this scene. My eyes widened when the guy raised his head.

“Oh so you’ve seen me already.” Came his voice from my back.

“You’re the delivery boy. What were you doing at our house?” Curiosity kicks in.

“Just watch then you’d know.” He whispered in my ear.

The guy, which turned out to be Icarus, handed a brown envelope to my mom. She opened it immediately. Suddenly her eyes widened as a drop of tear escaped from her eyes. Her hands were shaking as she scanned through the papers. I walked closer, only to find out that my mom is holding pictures. Of my dad. With another girl. What the. So this is how it happened? I felt a rush of anger for Icarus. How dare he to ruin my family?

“I didn’t ruin anything. It was bound to happen. I just helped finish it as early as possible. So your mom won’t live in a relationship full of lies. So that she could make her own choice, whether to forgive your dad, or to leave him. It was still her decision that would matter.”

“And she chose to push my father away, all thanks to you.” I glared at him.

“You may not understand,  but your dad has been with his mistress for three years already and your mom didn’t know a thing. She thought everything was fine. Would you rather have her believing that everything is fine when your father keeps on cheating on her?” He asked, perplexed.

I did not answer him. He was right, though. But I can’t help but cry. My mom and dad separated, and nobody took me into custody, so I was raised by my grandparents.
Icarus once again held my hand. I just stood there wiping away my tears with my hand. When I raised my head, we were again in a different place.

“Isn’t this Vince and Mari’s place?” I whispered to myself.

Icarus just stood beside me, without uttering a word. Maybe he’s contemplating. Suddenly a man came — which I’m sure is Icarus  — who opened a laptop on the table. We were inside Vince’s study room. He switched it on and started  pressing several keys on the keyboard. When he was done, he just disappeared.

Wow, he got some powers.

“Yes I do. You’d like that too?”

I just rolled my eyes.

A minute later, Mari came calling Vince’s name. When no one responded, she checked the laptop and gaped.

“No this can’t be!” she said in a hushed tone.

“I am not going to marry a man who’s broke!” She hissed.

She rushed outside the study, grabbed her things and made her way out. So this is why she broke up with Vince? I thought she said he was cheating on her! I even cursed and yelled at Vince when Mari came crying to me. What the heck. We were fooled!

“Vince wasn’t really broke,  I just made it seem like it. Because Mari wanted nothing but his money.” Icarus explained.

“I can’t believe her!” Was the only thing I was able to say.

He brought me to several places and showed me how other couples broke up. Some just wanted space, some just fell out of love. But in every single situation, Icarus was there to make the break up possible.

“There’s one last place we haven’t visited yet.”

He held me and off we went to a new place. This looks really familiar. Are we in the past or are we —

“In a coming future,  yes Aziah.” He stated, finishing  my thoughts. “And we are in your bestfriend’s place.”

“Shiara’s place?” He nodded.

“Why are we here?” I asked, arms crossed.

“This is going to be your first assignment as a dark valentine,” He smiled sadly.

“Who said I’m going to be like you?” I challenged.

His eyes softened.

“You wanted this, Aziah. I’m sorry but you can’t back out. You’re bound to be just like me.”

Anger filled my mind. How dare he decide regarding my life?

“I’m not going to break other people’s relationship! Why can’t they just break up on their own? No, I won’t become like you! That wouldn’t happen! This is just a dream and you are just a dream!”

“You wanted to break them apart as early as possible to save them from greater pain, right? This is your chance to do that. Hey, look at me.” He said, holding my shoulders. He raised my chin using his hand. His pitch black eyes turned to dark brown, showing concern and regret.

I did say that in my thoughts but I never thought this would actually happen. And seeing those people weeping because of their lost love, I don’t think I can take part on their heartbreaks. I won’t do that.
I fiercely shook my head, closed my eyes and covered my ears with my hands. ‘This is just a dream. This is just a dream’. I kept chanting those words until his voice sounded deep and fainted.


I was breathing heavily as cold sweat rushed down on my cheeks. I stared long at the ceiling, trying to calm myself. It was nothing but a weird dream, thanks God. When I was feeling better, I took a bath and let the cool water relax me.

Later that night before going to bed, I checked my facebook account,  just to update myself. I scrolled it down until a new status update popped on my wall.

‘It wasn’t a dream Aziah. And you can’t hide from your destiny. You are bound to become a dark Valentine. You are bound to end up like me.’

— Icarus


Dear Ghost: 3

Dear ghost,

I apologize.
Because up until now,
I still hate you.
I still blame you for this  fear.
I still see myself unworthy of anyone’s attention & affection–
All because of you.
I still remember the vague memories;
The scattered pieces of my broken past.
I still picture myself giving it a try,
Yet I ended up scarred,
Couldn’t even cry.
When will you stop haunting me?
When will this fear subside?
‘Cause I’ve been walking back & forth–
One step forward,
And twice back.
I didn’t even love you,
Didn’t even last for a while.
But still you tattooed fear & pain on my heart.
One day, if you’d get to read this,
I’d like you  to know,
That I might be okay again,
But I won’t be fine anymore.


To you, my dear…

I’m in pain.
Because, in a way, I brought you the pain you are feeling right now.
And the thought of causing those tears haunts me.
It makes me regret not keeping my mouth shut.
I should’ve not told you,
Even if it would mean keeping it from you.
Because dear, it hurts me that I can’t do anything to ease that pain,
Or even make you feel better.
For in the first place,
I don’t think I can handle that kind of pain myself.

My Painful Demise


My head’s throbbing,
my heart’s racing.

The pain starts slowly,
Assaulting every piece of me.

The aching stops suddenly,
And for a moment I was free.

Yet it starts again,
Quickly–as unimaginable as it can..

And the pain comes repeatedly.
And I die.
Every fucking beat of my pulse kills me.